Thursday February 27th :
I have been waiting for my period to come for a week or so. I saw my OB following some spotting I had and got my birth control prescription to start the Sunday of my “real” period! I was really bummed to have to get on the pill again, I don’t do well on any pill (Ive tried every damn birth control known to man) I get awful migraines from the hormones, and a low-estrogen makes me bleed all month! Nick was planning on getting the snipper however the doctor he was refereed too was booked until June, so that meant I HAD to be on something until his procedure was complete and he was shootin’ blanks! So today I called my Dr, told her I hadn’t got my period yet and could I just start the pill to get my period, she said yes sure, as long as i wasn’t PREGNANT, she asked me if I thought I could be and I didn’t even think twice to tell her, No we have been careful! Apparently not careful enough! I decided to get a test just to make sure, and that was the most intense 3 minutes of watching that stupid little timer spinning around on the window of the test! .. I even turned it face down on the counter so I wouldn’t have to see it pop up … I walked around my house for a minute or two and came back to the test ” P R E G N A N T ” (with the WONDERFUL ability to even tell me how far along I am ( 2-3 weeks!) I collapsed, I cried, I felt ashamed, I felt disgusting, I felt anger, I felt loss, I felt LIKE I GOT HIT BY A BUS GOING 100 MPH. I was devastated. I must have called Nick 10 times before he finally answered my call at work.
I couldn’t even gather a breathe of air to tell him, but he knew (i told him earlier that day I was going to get a test) I just cried to him, “I JUST HAD A BABY” “I CANT DO THIS” he told me he was going to leave work to come home to talk to me. I immediately called my friend Sarah, my neighbor, my good friend, and a mother of 3 who is my age. I got her on the phone and told her I was pregnant, she didn’t believe me, she told me it was going to be fine, its gods plan, its a blessing, its going to be great for Orla, followed by of course the reality of “its going to be crazy for awhile, its not gonna be easy, but it will be worth it, and it will be great!” She put me at ease for a moment, enough to respond to her, take a breathe and wipe the tears that were spilling down my face. We talked for several minutes when I got off the phone with her feeling semi okay, I just laid on my floor thinking about the reality of 3 KIDS. Im sure you know what came next? MORE TEARS, uncontrollably crying until Nick walked in the door. He picked me up off the floor, hugging me, holding me assuring me this is going to all work out and be okay. “But is it REALLLLY going to be okay?!” “HOW am I going to be able to have 2 babies and 4.5 year old by myself bc you work so much” “our marriage is going to crumble!” I had nothing but fear spewing out of my mouth to Nick, but he managed to calm me down, and talk me through pulling myself together, I think I even smiled for a minute. I kept thinking to myself its EASY for him to be okay with another baby, he’s not the one who has to deal with being pregnant, and deal with doing what I do. He explained to me that he understands the work, the money, the hardships, the sacrificing we as a whole will have to make, and most importantly that he will need to help me more, and be here more. He called his mom and told her and of course she was excited! It made me feel a tiny bit better that I was hearing excitement about it instead of “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO!” or something negative. Shes such a HUGE help to me and I feel guilty sometimes for amount of help she offers to us, but I know if theres a time where im going to need the help its NOW! Nick also insisted in calling my dad and telling him, that went exactly as I knew it would and was afraid of, I heard disappointment in his voice, concern with his comments, but yet says “hes happy” I dont know if I buy that, but I can only hope he will be supportive with me through this bc his opinions and feelings really matter to me.
Well as today comes to an end, I don’t feel any better about the idea, I accept it I think. I made an appointment to see my Dr this coming Friday to confirm everything is REAL. Part of me doesn’t think its real, But yet it is real. I’m just sad.
Nick has told me we need to live one day at a time, so that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to write a journal excerpt everyday until I feel comfortable with publicly sharing this news, and my feelings.
tomorrow is a new day.
Friday February 28th
I don’t think I slept, I’ve cried off and on all day. I didn’t take Pella to school today bc its POURING rain and I don’t want to go outside. I just want to stay home and watch Frozen with my babies! Definitely NOT feeling any better about Baby #3. I’m trying to convince my mind to rest until our Dr. appt. Friday. I so badly want to tell people, but I’m waiting to tell my close friends after our appt as well. I did however call my best friend Tiffany, I reached out to her, I’m glad I did, she made me feel more confident in myself that I can do this, and I will do this. I cried to Nick a couple times today, just needing his support and encouragement. I DON’T FEEL pregnant, I have ZERO symptoms although I know that can change at any given moment.
Saturday March 1st.
Today was my dads birthday, I started my day with talking to him, wishing him a happy day. Today I also went to a baby shower, it was POURING rain, I was driving by myself needing to talk to someone. I called my friend Kara who also is my age with 3 kids and a husband who is gone days at a time for work. She had nothing but positive things to say about having 3 kids, making me laugh bc her and I are both really sarcastic and ridiculous! It made me happy to know I have these friends that I can reach out too and talk to about everything.
Friday March 7th
LONGEST week ever. I had my Dr. appointment today. With Nick by my side we had our first ultrasound. There was no heartbeat detected ‘yet’ only the yolk sac, he believes I am around 5.5 weeks, we didn’t get a due date it was too early. I felt like today I would have had some kind of closure or I guess a due date, I thought I was farther along than I really was. At this point I am bittersweet I have to go back in a month for another ultrasound. Its going to be A LONG MONTH.
Thursday March 27th
Its been awhile since I posted an excerpt here, but I have my next ultrasound in a week, and I’m so nervous, I still have ZERO symptoms, it makes me feel uneasy like something isn’t right. When I was pregnant with the girls, I had sore boobs right off the bat, migraines right off the back, and a few other little things that for me were pregnant symptoms. I am looking forward to this ultrasound. Considering its been a few weeks since Ive posted, am I feeling happy yet? am I thinking positive? Not yet, I really want to hear my babies heart beating, I want to determine how far along I am, and get the reassurance I’m needing.
I am feeling very grateful lately, mostly about the amazing people I am surrounded by. My friends have been sort of a rock for me, constant checking in on me, a lot of really great talks, and just so much support. I guess all I can do now is wait again, and see what the deal is with baby #3.
Friday April 4th
Today we had our 2nd ultrasound, we determined there is in fact a living fetus in there!
I feel relief. Everything looks good and sounds good. Now that Ive made it public, I was totally overwhelmed with all the positive support! I was expecting rude comments, bc there are plenty of assholes in the world of social media. Instead there was soooo much love and excitement for our new chapter. I posted I wasnt going to post this blog but after reading it from start to finish, I’m glad I wrote about my feelings, it makes me feel validated to have felt the way I did in the beginning. I am totally warming up to this, and I think its not only from my support from all my REAL life friends but the support from the people I like to call my internet mom friends. I know Im not the only one to have found myself expecting another baby so soon following have had a baby. I appreciated each and every comment of peoples experiences, and kind words. Yesterday was an overwhelming day for me.
But today 24 hours later Im feeling at ease. Im feeling like I can start to embrace instead of be in fear.
I told Pella this morning at shes so excited to have another baby. It made my heart melt seeing her light up when I showed her the ultra sound. So for those of you who missed it I am expecting baby #3 my due date is Nov. 4th 2014. I plan on continuing to blog here and there as life over here is BUSY. I am just so happy to know there are such a great people out there who are genuinely happy for us.
Thanks everyone.
Sooo happy for you! What an amazing guy Nick is 🙂 Really excited to follow this chapter of your life, see your bump grow and your two little ladies become amazing big sisters, Your girls are super cuties x
I’m glad you ended up posting this, I really enjoyed reading about your feelings through all of this. I’m excited to continue following your blog through this new adventure! 🙂 Everything will be okay.
This is 100% curiosity, but what are your views on abortion? I am not by any mean referring to this pregnancy, I have just always wondered! I see you said “fetus” instead of “baby”.. just curious! I am a 32 year old mother of one!
Amazing! Meant to be! Congrats to you and Nick! <3
@anonymous I am Pro-Choice, abortion is not for me personally, but I stand that its a womens choice . -Marcella
Marcella, thank you for sharing. I am a firm believer of strength is given by ways of trials. You and your family are very blessed for the support system that you have, and I am super excited to be able to watch your journey. congratulations!
You are amazing Marce! It is a shift going from 2 to 3; but, like with all things you will find your barrings and life will feel complete. And believe it or not, once your new little one gets here you won’t be able to imagine life without them. You are a great mom & you are going to do amazing! All things will come together & work out and life will be great 🙂
Congrats! I wanted to have mine close together or as twins so I could be done being pregnant faster so I think you are lucky 😉
<3 shannon
The fact that you thought twice about posting this, because you know of other people’s struggles, shows what a great person you are. Everyone’s tough moments are tough, no matter what that means to anyone else. You have to experience this in the way it affects you, and no one should judge you, no matter their situation.
You have every single right in the world to sit down and cry over this. How overwhelming! Human life or not, it’s a big scary deal and of COURSE the normal reaction would be to panic first. I think, even if you desperately want a baby, it’s still overwhelming so to have one unexpectedly, would cause anyone to panic. Plus, you’re all full of hormones.
You’ll do great. It will be hard and then? It will be amazing. You can do this, and your dad will come around. You know he just wants what is best for you, and his own feelings of being overwhelmed for you are causing him to react with fear over joy.
Here is to a completely uneventful 9 months!
You will do great.. keep writing.. one day it will be the fondest memories you can’t remember ;p – alyssa (@lovepretzel)
I found you on Instagram a while back & instantly fell in love with your life. I had these EXACT same feelings when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t have any close friends to talk to & felt ashamed for how I felt. My husband & family were super supportive & excited for me but it took me a while to warm up to the idea. I was excited to see that you were pregnant with Orla because our due dates were around the same time. In a strange way, seeing your monthly belly pictures & updates got me through the hard days. I’m so happy you shared these posts & glad I’m not the only one that went through these feelings. I don’t know you personally but I feel like you’re such a strong woman & you have an amazing family to help you through the rough days. Keep your head up! Every thing happens for a reason. Can’t wait for more posts of baby #3! <3
I’m really glad I’ve just read this!
I’m 23, pregnant with #3 – I caught on the coil
My children are 3.5 and 10 months!
I’m still getting my head around it, and struggling!
Thank you for making me feel normal 🙂