Category Archives: Family

4 years down.

November 10, 2016

Today marks 4 years of being married.

14947812_10154780777394301_3856297321866520169_nSeems like yesterday I woke up in my hotel room on the beach feeling nervous about “getting married”.  I can say in the last 4 years, Nick and myself have gotten to really KNOW each other more than anything. I think the last year in itself has been the most challenging so far. In the last year Nick has taken a new job at Tesla that has shifted his quality of life, I shouldn’t say his, its affected all our lives. He commutes anywhere from 2-4 hours a day depending on the LA traffic. He works long hours, sometimes gets sent up to Northern CA to Tesla’s main factory for a week at a time. He doesn’t get to see the kids at all on some days, he leaves before they wake up and gets home when they are already put to bed. These are sacrifices he makes for US. He’s paid well, we have good health insurance, he has stock, and retirement options, options that when you have a family are a priority. So, of course sometimes in the last year when theres events and days we would love to have him join us, he can’t. Its not something I argue with him over, as I get to stay at home and be with our kids while he’s away from them. I fully support what he does. Lets be honest, some men just NEED to be working because when they’re home they get bored, and aren’t used to the chaos in the house. CHAOS, lots and lots of CHAOS. I’ve cried more this year then I have in a really long time. Raising kids is HARD. All my kids are so different, their ages are difficult ages to parent in that they are learning and absorbing so much.  Orla and Nicholas are at ages where they are learning about their emotions, they are learning about consequences, they are learning to communicate.  With that said my stress level has been through the roof on some days. I am human, therefore I need someone to unleash my emotions on, who better than my husband who works all day?  That’s when the “YOU DONT GET IT”  conversations happen, and the “YOU SHOULD STAY HOME ONE DAY AND SEE HOW CRAZY IT CAN BE” conversations happen, sometimes heated, sometimes not.  Nick and I have always seemed to be able to communicate good for the most part. We are flawed, we aren’t perfect, but we always apologize to one another. We always end up hearing each other out and figuring shit out even in some of our biggest disagreements. Disagreements happen often in marriage. It’s inevitable its what makes people different. Over the last year one of our biggest issues has been co-parenting. He has his opinions and concerns with some of the battles I’ve had with it this year, which he’s entitled to. Nick is far more sensitive than myself, he’s a man so he has a different perspective than I, and he has different expectations than I do. I always respect his opinion but I’m the one who’s going through the issue first hand. Its left me stuck in this “gray area” many times where I’ve felt conflicted and frustrated. I have to deal with 2 men that are very different,  both I have kids with , and both have VERY different views. I wouldn’t wish co-parenting on anyone on some days. At one time it was so easy, until you get blinded sided. It doesn’t matter how many times I get back stabbed or feel hurt and disappointed when it comes to co-parenting, its been happening for 7 years. I have gotten over the expectation that anything will change. But, you know who sees my hurt, my tears, my anger, my frustration,  and the immense love I have for my child, MY HUSBAND does.  So when I start to get confused as to why he’s so mad while I’m so sad it always dawns on me, why that is. One thing is certain both Nick and myself will always try our best to give Pella the best life, she deserves that. Its all about her. Granted there will be times that are negative, but it could always be worse. If this is ONE thing we “really” have heated passionate arguments about, well then I think we have it pretty good. We could have far worse problems and issues. Its just one of those things that some people have to deal with, and unfortunately it can affect the marriage sometimes.  I find that the things we argue about as a couple are the some of the characteristics in Nick I have grown to love about him. He will ALWAYS fight for me. He will ALWAYS stand by me, He will always SUPPORT me. He will ALWAYS listen to me.  I am Lucky.

Aside from the things that bring us sadness and frustration at times there are also plenty of fulfilling things that have happened in the last year. Like, our road trip we took together to Arizona. We don’t get to spend a whole lot of time together away from the kids so on the rare occasions him and I can get away for a couple days to enjoy one another, it makes my heart full. It reminds me of all reasons I married this man. We’ve had a spa day together. We spent a weekend in central CA exploring with no pun intended. We’ve had many sushi dates. We’ve seen a handful of movies. We make it a point to be with each other when we can, and do things together we both enjoy. We will always have those things, and times that bring us together. Life is crazy, having kids is crazy and if we can continue to find balance in all the crazy I KNOW we will have many more years of marriage and happiness together. I was someone that stuck out to him via social media that he pursued longer than I would have. I am grateful he did. I am happy we found each other. Happy 4 year Anniversary.

Marcella and Nick from Nanea Miyata on Vimeo.

4 DOWN MANY TO GO. I love you Nicholas.

A typical day for me…

August 12, 2016

Heres a typical day at home with my kids…. in case you ever wondered what a stay at home does…

6:30am -I wake up to my human alarm clocks “mommy, mom, mommy”. I proceed to roll out of bed and wish I went to bed early an hour earlier the night before. I’m not a morning person. I hate the mornings. I’m soaking the last few days of not having to rush around like a chicken with my head cut off to get my kids to school on time!
7am– FIRST THINGS FIRST coffee. The kids can wait. They’re already too busy fighting over toys to be thinking about breakfast.
7:30am- I get around to feeding my kids. Breakfast in our house usually consists of Cereal, toaster waffles , fruit and or yogurt. In rotation.
8am- I’ve already broken up multiple fights and changed at last 3-4 diapers.
8:30am– I microwave my coffee for the first time.
9am– I’m beginning to internally map out my day. Where are we going? What do I have to do today?
9:30am – I think about putting a load of laundry in the washer and drier but then decide to hold off because I know once I turn my back to do laundry someone will attack someone and someone will lose their shit. Laundry can wait.
10am – if we haven’t left our house to do something I decide it’s time to engage the kids to play and get the F out of the house because by 10am it already looks like a bomb went off. Shit everywhere.
11am– I’m feeling the anticipation of the clock approaching 12pm for Nicholas Nap.
11:30am- kids are playing outside I’m feeding all my animals, dog, 4 chickens and rabbit. Making sure everyone has water, and am almost ALWAYS interrupted bc the kids are fighting over what color swing they want or someone threw sand in someone’s face.
11:45am-We usually come inside or I get the kids to the table to feed the hungry little beasts.
12pm -SHARP, PRAISE THE LORD Change Nicks diaper, fill up a bottle for him, put him in his crib. LIGHTS OUT. See ya in a couple hours bud.
12:05pm- I make myself ANOTHER cup of coffee which usually ends up being my lunch bc I just end up eating the half eaten Dino nuggets and fruit left behind.
12:30pm-I may or may not attempt to pee in peace or sit down to watch my guilty pleasure daytime court TV.
12:45pm- I realize I can not sit on my ass I need to be productive bc Nicholas is the child that with holds me from being productive.
1:00pm- laundry is going, load the dishwasher, sweep/ vacuum. Pick up toys, put lunch food away that I neglected to put away when I made it, wipe down counters, make my bed, re-heat my 2nd cup of coffee, pack in as much “chores” as I can before the girls start to fight over shit.
Orla is hit or miss with naps, so I will typically try to get her to nap around 1-2pm anything later id rather skip the nap than have to deal with a child that wants to party till 10pm. No thanks.
1:30pm -attempt to put Orla down for a nap.
2:00pm- Orla falls asleep, after fighting me and Nicholas wakes up from her screams. YAY! My kids RARELY have or will nap at the same time. Poor me.
2:30pm-Everything I put away and cleaned up for the first time has now been brought back out and a new mess is created. Nicholas is in full tornado effect.
3:00pm – I attempt to fold laundry, open the drier , couldn’t fold clothes fast enough bc the minute I open that thing Nicholas comes RUNNING to pull out all the clean clothes roll all over them and drag them all over the floor . Mission failed, clothes go back into the drier for a dewrinkle so I can attempt to revisit folding them later.
3:30pm – kids are hungry. Snacks come out, juice comes up, house becomes CRUMB CITY not to mention juice boxes are typically always left half full or squeezed out all over the floor. You’d think I’d learn by now , kids need spill proof cups. GUESS WHO DOESNT WANT MORE DISHES TO WASH THOUGH?
4:00pm –Orla usually wakes up around this time. She usually Wakes up Screaming and crying. It’s lovely. She needs a solid 30-45min to wake up and get her shit together.
4:30pm-I’m feeling anxious, I know soon I will start to excessively look at the clock to countdown to BED TIME. Around this time I am also mentally creating a strategy to tire the kids the out, and a dinner plan. The afternoons for me are thee WORST. The kids reek HAVOC, I’m
Hungry, tired, usually feeling either unproductive  or exhausted from venturing out with the kids.
5pm –There have been MULTIPLE MESSES made, insane amount of fighting, and little patience left in me. By this time I usually know if Nick is coming home at a decent time (6:30-7 or a “non beneficial” time anytime after 7pm) <— usually the case. I decide to load up the kids and get take out for dinner. We have a little pasta joint in town that has a drive thru. Luckily for me my kids love pasta, and pizza. It’s my GO TO. The drive thru girls know me by first name… I can’t decide if that’s a good or bad thing. I will say though there are NOT ENOUGH places that are kid friendly to dine in at, or places that have curbside pickup. At 5/5:30 my ass is NOT about to get out of my
Mini van with 3 hungry, filthy, tired kids to wait for food.
5:30pm- Kids are fed. Usually ends In a big mess on our dining table, floor is not longer an issue since we’ve gotten a dog (bless it)
5:50pm– I have looked at the clock at least 100 times counting down to 6pm
6pm- the most chaotic and anticipated time
Of the day. Our night time
Routine begins and I start to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I clean up dinner mess, kids are usually outside, getting their last bit of play time in, before I have to drag them inside against their will. Around this time I have to remember to take deep breathes and remind myself IM ALMOST done!
6:30pm – BATH. I’m Usually soaked by the end of
Bath time. 3 kids in one bath tends to be a bit messy. But FUCK IT.
7pm- I’m laying kids DOWN and tucking them in for bed. Bottles filled. Diapers on, jammies on, light snack given. Kids are either happy about bedtime or not. Which is irrelevant to me. I deal with the kicking, screaming, and fighting over bedtime bc let’s face it I’ve been listening to it all day what’s another 20 minutes of it?!
7:31pm -I feel defeated yet empowered. I am usually feeling unproductive with what I envisioned doing that day, but I was productive with my kids. Soooo… it’s bittersweet.
8pm Nick usually walks in the door, tip toeing to not disrupt the SILENCE. I make him
Dinner, I clean up the messes, I unload the dishwasher and load it again, I fold
Clothes, I clean up my kitchen,
9pm- IM DONE. I hit the bath. My mind usually weighs heavy on me in there. I reflect on my day. Think about what I could have done. What I should have done, and what I will do. I spend that time overstimulating my mind with social media catch up.
9:30pm- I typically go to bed. With or without Nick if he’s working late. Attempt
To watch a show but almost ALWAYS fall asleep within 15 min.

That is is typically a glimpse into my day. I do it over and over, some days are better than others. In the end of the day I’m
So grateful to be a stay at home Mom. It’s not an easy job. It’s a lot. To say the least.

Quotes for a Mother.

July 28, 2016

Heres a handful of quotes I find to be inspiring to me as a mom, and help me strive to be a better mom and wife with each passing day.

“Life is not only meant to be appreciated in retrospect . . . There is something each day to embrace and cherish.” —Dieter F. Uchtdorf

“There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” —Jill Churchill

“To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or the climbing, falling colors of a rainbow.” —Maya Angelou

“Being a mother is not about what you gave up to have a child, but what you’ve gained from having one.” —Sunny Gupta

“Motherhood has completely changed me. It’s just about like the most completely humbling experience that I’ve ever had. I think that it puts you in your place because it really forces you to address the issues that you claim to believe in, and if you can’t stand up to those principles when you’re raising a child, forget it.” —Diane Keaton

“Homemaking is surely in reality the most important work in the world.” —C.S. Lewis

“I see myself as a mom first. I’m so lucky to have that role in life. The world can like me, hate me, or fall apart around me and at least I wake up with my kids and I’m happy.” —Angelina Jolie

“Being a mom has made me so tired—and so happy.” —Tina Fey


Also would like to share some beautiful photos shot by my friend Kristin @ KristinNoelPhotography

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Do what you love.

July 16, 2016


By age 10 my parents divorced and I was being raised by my dad. I grew up on a farm, that generations before me grew up on. I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am for the way I was raised. My dad raised on that same farm, had a life of cars, trucks, vans, motorcycles. He raced motorcycles, then moved onto cars. From Baja style racing to vintage British racing. I guess you can say I’ve seen my fair share of Race cars. My fondest memories are things I did with my dad, we went to the Long Beach Grand Prix when I was little. He got me my first dirtbike when I was probably around 10. He built a dirt bike track for all of us to ride on. We went to countless car shows. In High school I watched him race his last Formula V race. I grew up having fun, doing fun stuff. Being that girl that was raised doing “BOY” things. When I think about all of that now, it makes me want to cry. As a mother to 3 kids, I have wondered from time to time why my mom wasn’t really in my life. As an adult in my 30’s I have chosen to accept the things I can not change. I have never talked to her about it, and I just don’t feel the need too. I am content with my life, and I love my mom regardless of the choices she made. I just wish she hadn’t missed out on the things I loved doing as I got older. I had a great life growing up, my dad did the best he could raising 2 girls. Which brings me to when I look at pictures of my dad doing what he loves and is passionate about it makes me so happy inside. That man deserves all the happiness in the world. It also makes me think about my family. I married a man that is in some ways a lot like my dad. Into cars and bikes. Has good taste in cars and bikes. Works his ass off like my dad did when we were little. Little things like these make my heart full. What inspired me to write this blog post is this photo.


You can see my mom barely but enough to know it’s her taking my dads helmet from him. You can see in this photo in her face that she supported him and his passion for racing. This was before I was born, so I know that these photos were times that my parents got to enjoy each other BEFORE kids.


Nick just bought another new motorcycle yesterday. His plan with this bike is to turn it into a flat track race bike. When he told me about his plans part of me was like “why?” He needs another project like he needs a hole in his head. Then another part of me felt excited bc this to me is what I grew up on! Nostalgic memories. I think to be able to watch Nick race and have the kids there rooting for their dad will be so fun! I know how hard my husband works and I support anything that will bring him happiness and take him away from his intense work stress. I think about how our kids will grow up, and one day have photos like I have of my parents. I hope those photos bring them happiness, like they bring me. I hope my kids grow up having memories of all things they were raising doing, that are similar to the things I was raised doing. I’m excited for Nick and his new expensive “hobby”. I hope my dad is right there with us watching Nick race. I’ll always be there to take my husbands helmet after his race. I’ll always be there to support my kids in doing what they love. You only live once. Find someone that supports your hobbies and passions. Be that sideline mom supporting your kids and their passions. Its important.

Couple rad photos of my dad racing
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Dear Pella.

June 8, 2016

Dear Pella,

Today you were promoted to 1st grade. For some this may not be “that” big of deal, but for me it is. I will make it a point as your mother to acknowledge all of your accomplishments to the best of my ability. I barely remember kindergarten, only bits and pieces. I remember meeting girls that all these years later are still my best friends. My dad took a similar photo of my kindergarten graduation ceremony that still makes me smile when I see it. I can only hope for you that you can say the same when you’re my age. I hope you realize how important education is, and why we chose for you to have a Catholic Education. My Catholic education built the foundation for the person I am today. We may not go to Church like most of the families in your school, but do not let that affect the faith you will learn to have in your life.

You are 6 years old, you are still a tiny little peanut, but you are not the smallest in your class. That’s a little fun fact. You love art, and being creative.  Your favorite thing I think you like the most in school is playing Kickball. You talk about it all the time when I pick you up. You’re not big on math, but neither am I! Your teachers this year have been nothing short of fabulous, and they seem to adore you. You had a rough patch mid year with some bulling. Let me tell you this wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last. Kids are mean. You will learn that killing people with kindness …even the meanest people is the best thing you can do. You have learned this year about “personal space” I hope you can continue to not allow people to violate that space of yours. You are learning to read, it’s been fascinating watching you see words and blurt them out. Your penmanship is blossoming. I love to write, I hope you learn to love typography and handwriting, it’s becoming a thing of the past. You enjoy ‘Afterschool Care’, even though you don’t need to go, I let you go so you can stay and play with your friends, and probably play more kickball. You’re not a fan of Mass, it’s not easy at your age, but if someone said I had to sit in silence for 45 min I’d be there in a HEART BEAT. Your student # is 14. Your 8th grade buddy’s name is Lilly, she’s a pretty girl like you. It will be so fun to see you be an 8th grade buddy to kindergartner someday . I am so proud of you for being kind to your peers, and behaving so well at school. I know at home can be a different story, and that’s okay. You bring me so much joy, and you are growing up so fast! Here’s to completing kindergarten, and moving onto 1st grade! I love you.




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Heres me on my First Day of Kindergarten and that photo I wrote above. My Kinder promotion ceremony with my two best friends Tiffany & Jessica. 26 years later!

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5 Years and still going…

June 6, 2016

Today marks 5 years of being with my husband. It seems longer, in my opinion. I was a single mother of a 14 month old little girl when I got a message from Nick on Twitter. I didn’t think much of it, I didn’t really acknowledge his message the first time. I gave the guy my # thinking “whatever” he would probably just be someone I text messaged from time to time. I never thought after meeting him for the first time would this be the man I would marry. I honestly had gone through such a toxic relationship in my past, that marriage was not even close to being on my radar. After dating for a year, he asked me to marry him in Ozzy Osbournes backyard on New Years Eve 2011/12.

We got married in November 2012. When I reflect on my relationship with Nick, I think about how it’s real. We didn’t married for the wrong reasons. We waited until a few weeks before we got married to live together, which for me was great. I wasn’t looking to move him in right away. I wanted what was best for me and my child, and he respected that 100%. Which brings me to respect, he respects me. He’s respected me from the moment I met him. For Nick his respect for me has been challenging for him when it comes to the co-parenting aspect. I’ve always been open about my situation and respectful of my situation when it comes to ca-parenting. It’s driven a divide at times between us bc he’s watched me get walked all over. It’s something he can’t control, I can’t control, and not even my daughter can control. His respect for me and my daughter is fierce and I am grateful for that. He is loyal to me. Loyalty for me was something I knew little to nothing about when it came to relationships. I can trust him 100%. Something else I wasn’t familiar with. My past relationship was every opposite of what Nick and I have. Trust does not come easy to someone who’s experienced nothing but lies and abandonment in her life. He proved me wrong about everything I thought I “knew”. That kind of man is rare, I know he’s rare, and I wish I did a better job of expressing how important he is to me. When someone comes into your life, that can turn bad into good, HANG onto that, don’t try and find reasons why it won’t work, bc so far 5 years later it works.

He gave me 2 more children, that brought even more meaning and light into my life. My husband is a hard worker, he’s a straight up workaholic, but he does it for US. He can be selfish as we all can be, but he is selfless in his heart. I can tell you he has never gone ONE day without telling me that he Loves me, and thanks me for being ME. Let me tell you, having affection and words of endearment were foreign languages to me. I still can’t hug people without doing it against my will to live bc it’s just how I was raised. Nick has been patient with my character flaws, and encourages me daily to show affection when he knows how hard it is for me. He’s a good father, but he’s not that MR MOM kinda dad, and that’s okay. Nick is my perfect. He is not the best at everything, nor am I. What he is the best at is all of what I need for my security and my children’s security in life. He drives me crazy with his meticulous personality, but for my constant cluster fuck of a personality we fit together well. He’s a Virgo, need I say more?  The past 5 years have been a constant learning experience, we are human we have disagreements, we don’t see eye to eye on many things, but we compromise and communicate everyday. We have become so comfortable with one another that we don’t hesitate to tell each other how we feel about things. <— this can be uber annoying but at the same time we both take the criticism and work at being better for one another and our families. 3I know I have found my match in life. Regardless of what real life throws at us, and the negative people who like to feed of our personal business, our love is strong. Thank you Nick for choosing me. We love you. I look forward to what the future holds for our family. That booty though! <3


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Preschool, that’s a wrap!

May 26, 2016

As some of you have been following me since Orla’s birth, you’ve watched her blossom into this lil force to be reckoned with! Her will is STRONG.  Her independence, her confidence, her sensitivity, are a challenge for me as a mom. She is so incredibly intelligent. I felt when she turned 2 years old, she would be a good candidate for Preschool. I plugged her right into it before the Holiday’s. She walked right in, head held high, with a huge smile on her face, yelling “BYE MOMMMMMM!” It made me sad, thinking about how I was putting a 2 year old into preschool, but she needed it.  It’s been the perfect outlet for her. She still throws massive daily tantrums, and I’m still learning how to cope with those.  As far as her short time in preschool she’s made leaps and bounds with her speech, knows all her primary colors, can count to 10, loves to draw and paint like her big sister. She’s a creative little soul. She’s an old soul. I have enjoyed watching her LOVE preschool.

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4th Trimester Body Project

January 22, 2016


As some of you have seen my recent post, I had the privilege to be interviewed and photographed by Ashlee  and Laura who run the 4th Trimester project. It’s a wonderful Liberating project that allows you to tell your story, and be heard in a fashion like no other. The Project consist of women all over the US who have shared their stories, good and bad, and not one alike. For me personally, when Ashlee asked me “why did you want to be here and do this shoot/interview” I really had to stop and think about it. Honestly there was MANY reasons why I wanted to do it, but in that moment of stage fright all I could think of was my years of blogging, and the people I have been able to inspire. It  brought up a lot of hurt, a lot of feelings and a lot of appreciation. Its more than that though. My story isn’t one of those stories of years of trying to conceive,  infant/ fetal loss, adoption, home/ natural birth, breast-feeding or illness.  I read some of these women’s stories and their challenges, and my eyes fill up with tears for them. My story and life can’t even be  compared to some of these AMAZING women’s lives. I told Ashlee, “You know I don’t really feel like my story is anything compared to some of these mothers you interview” she stopped me and said to me “You’re not the first to say that, and that’s not true, everyone has a story and everyone’s story deserves to be heard.”  We continued to touch more on the relevance of my story. She was able to put my interview into words. When I read it, I cried inside bc at that moment I was driving home. All these things that I wish I could have said came to me.. Heres is my story they published 

“The magnificent Marcella Miserendino, Pella James (5), Orla Grace (2) and Nicholas (1). Marcella got pregnant with Pella in her early twenties. Her pregnancy was a surprise but she had been with her partner for 7 years and went through much of the pregnancy thinking she’d have his support. She carried to 39 weeks when she was induced due to low fluid. Labor and delivery were only about 6 hours from start to finish but Marcella pushed for two hours with Pella moving up and down in her birth canal without any interventions. Pella was over 7lbs at birth but had severe jaundice. Marcella nursed for about 9 weeks before choosing stop and later learned that Pella had been tongue-tied. Marcella gave birth on February 2nd and her partner told her on Valentine’s Day that he had another girlfriend and ended their relationship. Her stress levels at being an unexpectedly single parent were through the roof. Marcella later learned that Pella needed physical, occupational and speech therapy which she received in home for her first three years and continued through school and outpatient later on. A pediatric neurologist told Marcella that her daughter may have mild CP. Though she never had a documented brain injury, Marcella believes she may have had some residual trauma from her birth. Marcella met her husband when Pella was 15 months old and married a year later. The following year she conceived Orla and had another easy pregnancy. She carried to 39 weeks again when she was induced due to Orla’s weight, her doctor worried that her baby would be too big for her to birth. Orla’s birth went well and was 4.5 hours from the time Marcella’s water broke. Marcella had a cyst in her breast removed after Pella was born. At that time she also had a reduction and got breast implants so she wasn’t certain if she’d be able to breastfeed Orla. She tried pumping and nothing happened so she assumed that her milk ducts were severed and decided to formula feed instead. Marcella learned she was pregnant with her son when Orla was only 2 months old. Nicholas was born when Orla was 11 months old and was Marcella’s easiest pregnancy yet. She carried to term and delivered him vaginally at 9lbs and 15oz but she tore badly and hemorrhaged during and after Nicholas’ delivery which made for a very difficult postpartum period. She couldn’t walk for a week and had a slow recovery. When Marcella was pregnant with her first daughter she blogged and was very public about her experience. Because of this, she was able to connect with other women going through a difficult time and hopes to raise awareness through continuing to share her story. Having her daughter changed her life even thought it was far from easy. She battled postpartum depression alone until realizing that therapy and medication were needed to help get her through her personal life and focus on bonding as a mother. Above all else, Marcella hopes that other women can realize that no matter what they are going through, they are never alone. ” 

So there it is, but like I said before, after reading this so many more feelings and words came to me I wish I could have said or touched on. I’ve NEVER talked about Pella may or may not having mild CP, I went to the ends of the earth when she was little to find a diagnosis for all her delays, low muscle tone and stomach issues. I had family making me feel like she was on the “spectrum” when to me and all her many therapists she was NOT on the spectrum. So if she’s not on the spectrum, what is wrong? What caused all this? Well, to this day I still don’t have a REAL diagnosis, I only have  a theory of what one of the top pediatric neurologist in California thought about Pella’s condition.  Today she is a couple of weeks shy of 6, and in these last 6 years, I can say , today she’s GREAT! She worked hard, I worked Hard, I did what I had to do for my child, regardless that in the beginning I was alone doing it all, it gave me such a rewarding feeling. I’ve told MANY parents if you think or suspect your child is delayed in any way shape or form, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, get help, utilize the resources that are out there! 

Then all that led to me think about all the HURT all the ANGER, all the STILL to this day FRUSTRATION I endure. Co-Parenting. That alone is a topic that I could go on and on about. Besides being a parent yourself, as if that’s not hard enough, some of us have to co-parent.  For me my pregnancy and first 2 years of Pella’s life was extremely challenging. I don’t think any new mom should have to feel those feelings of hurt and betrayal with a new baby. I wouldn’t wish it on my own worst enemy.  I was young, 24 when I had Pella. I had a WHOLE lot of maturing and mental growth to do. Let me tell you, having a baby made that mental growth grow FASSSSSST. It made me realize what I wanted out of life, and WHO I wanted in my life. It took me time to learn how to navigate a co-parent relationship with someone I couldn’t even look at in his face. Time is of the essence with Co-parenting. Fast Forward 6 years, I am in a good place, and have been for quite some time. I had to learn how to let go of animosity, not have expectations, not take things personal, not worry about what wasn’t my business, forgive, forget, not control something I don’t have control over, move forward not backward, and accept a person for WHO THEY ARE. That is KEY to my situation. Of course, I am human, I am a woman, I can be feisty, but my feisty is ALL out of what I know is best for my child. So when you think about how much you HATE your ex, or baby daddy/mama, you very well may,  BUT it’s not going to be whats best for your kid(s). Many times people allow their personal feelings to run the show, NOT GOOD. I don’t know if you got the memo, but there is no more “PERSONAL SHOW” after you have a kid.  It’s now your kids show you gotta worry about. That brings me to the talk about how still to this day I find myself being frustrated from time to time with co-parenting, which is NORMAL. There are and have been plenty of times that I have had to agree to disagree, or bite my fucking tongue. Its HARD, but if you keep your Child or Children in mind first, it will be SOOOO much easier for you. 

Then all that co-parenting talk makes me think about how FORTUNATE and lucky I am to have met and married a man who GETS IT. Another thing I wanted to touch on which I didn’t get too. If you’re single now, doesn’t mean you’re going to be single forever. I wasn’t expecting A SINGLE thing when I forced myself to finally meet Nick.. There was a reason that I did force myself to meet him, and I’m glad I did. Marriage is no walk in the park, but when you’re on the same page, its little easier than those poor people who married for all the wrong reasons. I’m no marriage expert, I haven’t even been married very long or long enough to give advice to people. I know I trust my husband 100%, I know I LOVE my husband 100% and Im so thankful that he was trolling instagram and found me! So don’t give up on LOVE its out there, and when you find it, wrap your whole entire self up in it. I was  like a little battered puppy when I met Nick. I had years of emotional wreckage lingering, and years of childhood abandonment issues that have managed to affect my life when it comes to showing affection and allowing people IN.  My husband is patient with me, he helps me be the person I wish I could be sometimes but can’t bc Im scared or embarrassed. So, stay positive the right person is out there for you.

Lastly with love and marriage comes my babies in the baby carriage. 3 of them.  3 has always been my number, so I suppose its fitting to have 3 children. When Ashlee was asking me about my births and pregnancies that’s when I felt most “not worthy” lol. I didn’t Home Birth, I didn’t do prenatal yoga, I didn’t have an ounce of desire to embrace what a woman’s body is “supposed” to do. I will say my pregnancies were easy, I didn’t get sick, I didn’t have to be on bed rest. All three pregnancies were very much alike, I had placenta previa with all 3. The longest lasting with Pella which finally moved by 35 weeks. She was breech until then as well. I remember being so worried, I didn’t want to have to have a C- section!  Her birth was my longest, and hardest, so it goes with those first babies. Pushing 2.5 hours with not much progress I was TIRED. After struggling with milk supply, a poor latch, and severed milk ducts I threw in the towel at 9 weeks. I don’t have any regrets about it. Yeah It would have nice to have that bond, but at that time in my life, I wasn’t capable of bonding with much of anything. I most definitely suffered from PPD. I got the help and medication I needed to be able to embrace my baby. I feel like I missed out on Pella in the first 6 months, bc my head and heart were else where. Today when I look back at how lightning fast its been going by, I  sometimes feel like our bond could be stronger if I would have gotten help sooner, but I didn’t. I can’t let that eat me up inside, bc it does sometimes. That is always the case though, what you know now you wish you knew then. Story of everyone’s lives. 

Then came my first “planned” baby, Orla. My little force to be reckoned with. My pregnancy with her was easy. I was at a good healthy weight when I got pregnant, I was active, I was working. I was HAPPY. All the things you hope for when you’re wanting to bring a life into the world. We got married in November and I got pregnant in February,   I had migraines with this pregnancy as I did with Pella’s as well…. all those FEMALE HORMONES brewing in my body! I was induced with her at 39 weeks, due to her weight. On 11/12/13 my 8LB 8OZ baby Orla Grace was born. Fun Fact: when she was born we were pretty sure her name was going to be Cecelia Grace.  But when she was born she just looked like an Orla! Labor was normal, birth was normal. She was my easiest, I was up and ready to go home HOURS after her birth. I didn’t bother to attempt to breast feed her, I had no desire, and HOLY SHIT, that was awful. I was soooooo engorged and miserable. My nipples blistered, I had mastitis, it was HORRRRRIBLE.  THEN at  the wonderful 6 week mark, when your DR clears you to return to your “sexy time” life, the unthinkable happened. I hadn’t even had my first postpartum period yet, and I GOT PREGNANT! So ladies, be careful, it CAN happen!!  When Nick and I got the confirmation I in fact was pregnant, Orla was 2 months old. I wanted to curl up and die! I remember feeling depressed, like “WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO!” Our “plan” wasn’t  3 kids. I remember crying for days,  I was terrified to tell people. I was worried that something bad would happen bc I had all these bad and negative vibes going on for the first  months. We went to our ultrasound and were told he was a BOY! For the first time in months I felt a sense of happiness. I honestly was more happy for Nick than I was for myself. He had a full term still-born son, so I was thinking to myself, GOD is filling that void for him! Little did we know when he was actually born the tables would turn. He is incredibly attached to me as I am incredibly attached to him. I was told over and over, there’s NOTHING like having a little boy. My pregnancy with him was ridiculous. I never felt pregnant, but couldn’t hide it bc by 10 weeks I looked 6 months pregnant. I had only lost about 15lbs of my pregnancy weight from Orla of about 35lbs gained total with her. So I was going into this pregnancy heavier than I had ever been. I gained a total of 70lbs with my pregnancy with Nicholas. It was extremely hard on my body, toward the end. I was in a lot of pain. I was being told by my Dr, he was a big boy. I can thank the DAILY In n Out I ate for that. I went into the hospital with him 39 weeks and 4 days. I was 5cm when I got to the hospital. They broke my water and he was born about 5 hours later. I opted to get an epidural with him, but let me tell you, AFTER having the dr in there a few different times through the course of my labor, I had ZERO pain relief. I was fucking DYYYYYYYING. The pain was off the charts INSANE. I was a wreck. I remember when my Dr came in to check me and said I was ready to go, I could barely breathe. He said “Okay on your next contraction, lets push” I remember clear as day I COULDNT push! I was in SO SO SO much pain. Then comes that ” a woman’s body does what its supposed to do” thing! I didn’t push him out, my body pushed him out. As he crowned I felt thee most insane amount of pressure EVER, bc there was this feeling of something was stuck like he wasn’t moving out. His shoulders were stuck!  they has to wiggle him out which cause my vagina to BURST open. sorry TMI but that’s EXACTLY what happened. 3rd degree tear. OUCH. That is what a 9LB 15oz baby will do to ya!  I couldn’t walk, no joke for a week. it was awful. I hemorrhaged pretty bad about a week into being home with my new baby boy. I went and had an ultrasound, apparently there were little bits and pieces left behind. I was prescribed methergine AKA the abortion pill. and was told if that didn’t stop the softball size clots that were coming out of me, then Id have to have a D&C. The pill worked. BLESS IT. Last thing I wanted was a vacuum up in my stitched up vagina! NO THANK YOU.  When it comes to birth, you have NO IDEA what to expect the first time around, sometimes even the 2nd, 3rd or 4th, time come unexpected things with your labor. I tell people, It’s nice to have a plan of execution when it comes to what you want out of the L&D staff and postpartum, but as far as your actual birth, it MAY not go as you planned. Trust that what  happens is what is meant to happen, even if it’s the unthinkable. Labor is something I think a woman wants to be able to control. So if it doesn’t go your way, it’s not YOUR fault.

I felt the desire to want to try  pumping, bc like my other 2 kids his tongue and lip was tied. Nicholas’s tongue tie was the worst of my 3, he actually had it snipped at a week old. Back to pumping, I attempted it for DAYS, all I got was a couple drops, even after my milk came in full force. NADA. So after my efforts of trying to breastfeed Nicholas, I am confident knowing my ducts are in fact severed and there is no real chance of me successfully breastfeeding. I’m okay with that.  It’s a choice, as much as breastfeeding can be pressured upon you, DONT let it bring you down. The truth is, its not for everyone. I don’t think a woman should have to struggle and FIGHT her body to do something that is taking away from her bonding time with her baby.  Thats where I stand. I respect all mothers on what they choose when it comes to breast-feeding. Sometimes I’ve felt that sense of envy, but I did what worked for us. So should you.

In the end off this MASSIVE blog post, and all the details that could not be told in my interview with Ashlee, the one thing that really came to mind with me and WHY I wanted to do that shoot, was that I just want to inspire women and mothers to be exactly who they want to be! Not to sweat the small stuff. Fuck what others think. DO YOU and your FAMILY. In the end that’s all you got. You got your whole life to lose the baby weight! The time goes by FAST so soak it all in. Be happy. Be healthy. Be YOU. 


Washington & Oregon

April 29, 2015

We had such an amazing time on our trip, we drove up from Somis to Orcas Island, Eastsound WA. we also visited Seattle, Portland, Klamath, Eureka, Sausalito, Redding and had a few stops in between.

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I don’t know what prompted me with this FABULOUS idea to have the kids photos taken in this “whimisical setting” by a professional photog…but I went ahead with the idea. As horrifying as it was to watch my middle child, Orla Grace throw tantrums in the dirt, and eat rocks…. I figured “Wellp that was a waste of my time, my kids time, my money, and the photographers time” Little  did I know they would turn out to be JUST PERFECT. Jennings was able to capture the personality of my kids in the good split second moments to the bad teary eyed and runny nose moments!

So here they are !

Pella age 5, Orla age 15 months, Nicholas age 4 months

photography by: Jennings Paige

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